CALL TO ACTION

This special report needs your quick response.
Write your congressman. Call your senator. Petition the president.
Tell your mother!
Time is running out
before I personally go insane, so please don't put this off!!

It has come to my attention that a serious atrocity has taken place in an important part of our food chain. I am sure you know full well about the major food groups, and the major food group we so lovingly call the "essential ice cream" group is currently under attack. It appears as if America's teenagers have learned the ice cream industry's dirty little secret (let me slow down, catch my breath, and continue).

I will start from the beginning.

I happen to live with teenagers (I don't know how it happened). These teens are a subversive bunch. They start off as innocent, cute little people (so cute you can't get rid of them until it is too late). Then all of a sudden they know everything, borrow your car, and invite other teenagers over to raid your fridge. (there ought to be a law)

Back to the conspiracy with ice cream...

See, when I was a teenager we ate American ice cream ...Vanilla, Chocolate, and for the adventuresome...Twist (which for the uninformed is one side vanilla the other side chocolate - Shameful!) We had none of this communist stuff like Cherry ripple oak bark flavored. Or Chocolate covered chocolate coated double chocolate with chocolate chunks and chocolate covered nuts and chocolate swirls. Back in the day even Ben and Jerry was eating plain chocolate (but knowing them, they probably lived on the wild side and experimented a little with Twist).

Hence the root of this complicated matter. It appears as if the teenagers in my house have discovered (through multiple fridge raidings) that today's ice cream specialties (the ones that include all stuff God never intended to be in ice cream) has a very sneeky and rather secretive swirl of all-the-good-stuff in the middle of each half gallon pack!?! ('If man were meant to eat funky ice cream.. he'd be born with...')

"So what?" you say? So listen!

Let's say a certain teenager (anyone will do) has just opened a carton of Cookies and Cream Ice Cream. IT IS NOW VERY CONVENIENT (if one's intention is to eat the cookies and leave the cream) to ingore the middle and ingnore the sides, and scoop from the cookie-packed ring that is distributed in an oval approximately 47.59 degrees off center (depending on the ice cream manufacturer).

"WHY?" you may ask, "Would American ice cream manufacturers stoop to such diabolical depths to ruin the lives of hard-working-ice-cream-loving parents who, after a hard and tiring day at an unfulfilling job (that they barely made it through unscathed but for the thought of some delicious Cookies and cream ice cream when they got home only to find cookieless cream in the freezer?)

OK, so I am venting. But my doctor says I must find proper ways to release the pent-up frustrations before my hair falls out (oops, too late).

But I do believe that after much thought (and at least eight half-gallons of research), I have finally figured out why our ice cream companies set us up by making it so easy for our teenagers to get all the good stuff before we even know the carton has been opened....

All of the American ice cream manufacturing plants are filled with teenager employees. (why else?)